It has been a while since I wrote My struggle. which is something honest about me, and sometimes I still feel a bit ashamed to read it again, as I feel like I expose myself so much, frankly speaking.
I do not like to say what I am out loud usually. i would want people to see me as a person without my “status”. I would prefer to say I am just a Japanese girl, and the rest, it is up to you what you think. It is not because I am not proud of myself being a law student, but I simply am more than that. Not just a law student. Not just a person who gets certain amount of academic results (Not trying to brag about myself, but people tend to think that way.) I hope I make sense here. ;
I used to value myself based on “academic scores at school”. Fair enough, in this society it is hard for you to get to know true yourself without what you achieve at school or even at work. Studying has been always the big part of my life, and I spent so much on that which automatically, subconsciously became the ruler of my self worth. It started to take over my life. I was happy when I got 1 st in an English class, meanwhile I started to hate myself when I failed in math exam. When I got into the high school that I have wanted to go, I again, started to love myself. But then it didn’t take so long until I got disappointed in myself marking the low score at the exam. You are the result or the scores you take? No. Now it is clear to me that you can’t evaluate yourself based on what you do at school. If I could go back to myself at junior high/ high school, I would talk to her, “You are more than academic results”.
Now I started to work on something different apart from studying. something, that I used to consider to be a waste of time. Reading a lot of books that are about self love, going to kimono school, traveling without specific plans, just wandering in the nature, participating in volunteer work at the local city… and preparing for my periscope. Each of the activities that i had not seemed great to me in fact, but now all make sense to me, which : they all make who I am today.
I am feeling I am “more me” “alive” than I used to be, because I am more confident in myself being capable of achieving my goal that is not all about studying. Life is not about studying, neither is working, is it. I do not mean that you don’t have to work or study in here. ; what I mean is that there should be things that you can enjoy, feel more you, feeling connected to true yourself apart from them. Try something you have never done. I thought i am so bad at public speaking, but now I know I can do it or even am good at it. Now I know I am smart in something without the result in the exam at school. My friend the other day I met told me ‘You have a lot of hobbies!’ – Isn’t it the best compliment ever? ~ I do not want to limit myself. Always try new different things. I am excited about what i will be doing next. 🙂 Thanks for reading.